It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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