i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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