I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
