3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
