Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm too high and old for this...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
