Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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