All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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