I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
