just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
