wakey wakey hands off snakey
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize