you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Someone came in the potted fern
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
