I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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