I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
