Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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