i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
