your thong is hanging out like whoa
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
