Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
