Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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