Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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