i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
