I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
