Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
