I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
how does that bad decision feel?
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