I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize