Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
