And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
