Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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