I cockslap morals
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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