that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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