I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
