I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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