why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
