I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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