i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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