Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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