Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
