I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
