i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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