hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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