Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
