My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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