Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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