I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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