I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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