How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
