it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
