I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
