I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
