How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize