i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
