I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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