I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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