i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
