According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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