So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
