Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
