The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
