I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
