We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
