hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
