I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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