peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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